Confidence!

Most people would say I am pretty confident.

I pride myself on being able to hold a conversation with almost anyone and to be able to pop a smile on my dial, put my best foot forward and go into a social situation whether I know people or not.

 It's an act and I think, quite a good one.

To go somewhere new I try to do a dummy run with a friend or Carl (my Husband) just to ease myself in. Find out where to park, get my bearings and feel familiar with the place. If it is something as simple as a new hairdresser/restaurant/optometrist then I normally rope someone into coming with me, just for the first time.



 Not many people get to see me right before I go somewhere new for the first time. the elevated heart rate, sleepless nights (if it is a planned event), sweaty palms, tears, obsessive organising, nausea, planning of what to wear (clothes and makeup), constant question asking. I get snappy and short tempered, I become a bitch.

The person who is almost the only one who ever sees this is Carl. He is incredibly patient but doesn't understand why I get so worried. He thinks that everybody sees what he does. Someone who has a lot to offer, is intelligent, interesting and funny (his words not mine). He does know that I am a little quieter than normal when I first meet people but that normally doesn't last too long.

When I am in a new situation (normally social based) in my head there is a pretty much constant stream of questions.

Did she notice that I am not that fashionable? Is my makeup ok? Did I just sound like a dick, did I use that word in the wrong context? Am I dressed ok? Do they think I am just a vapid silly shop girl?What if they don't like me and are being polite, am I embarrassing? Did I sound dumb, are they bored talking to me? What if I am left alone with no one to talk to, what if I need to go to the bathroom? I'm not very well read what if they talk about something I don't understand? You get the idea.

 It is constant and extremely annoying. I don't know if it has always been something I have had to deal with. I haven't spoken to my family about it but I think it may be something that has become more prevalent in adulthood. I even feel like this when I have to see family and friends that I haven't seen in a few years. I know that it comes from placing too much emphasis on how others view me when in fact I am pretty happy with who I am. I like me.

The past 2 years with moving down to the south island has highlighted this as more of an issue. I have had to really push myself into new situations and make new things become familiar. I have left 20+ years of friends, family, people and places  I know well and try to start again. The one familiar and constant has been Carl, but he can't be with me all the time. I have pushed myself over these 2 years, I have joined a theatre society, I have flown by myself. I have driven new places, introduced myself to new people and found a new hairdresser (granted I had a friend come with me the first time). Each and every time I have done something new I have felt the same way, with those above symptoms, but I have still done it.

I have also succumbed to those feelings more than a few times. I have cancelled plans, not attended social outings (specifically work gatherings of Carl's) and just stayed in bed when I should have gone out. I even did not attend a school reunion because I was too worried about seeing people again for the first time in 10 years. The times I have  not done something are greatly out numbered by the times I HAVE even when feeling anxious.

Just putting this in words and contemplating publishing it has even made me uncomfortable. This will probably spend a fair ammount of time in my drafts before I hit the publish button, if at all.

I know that this is such a minor thing compared to what many people deal with, it is not debilitating and I can still function. My inner voice is saying "get over yourself Michaela, nobody cares that you don't like new things".

I guess for me by putting it out there in writing it is holding me accountable to make a concerted effort this year to push myself. To not flake and to care less about what people, who don't matter to me, think of me. This blog is also a part of that.

I guess I just keep moving forward. Celebrating the days that I do new things no matter what and not berating myself if I slip backwards.

I can but try.

Small steps.

I am me.

Not everyone has to like me and that is ok.

Breathing through it.

Michaela x

Edit: Carl told me I had to post this so it hasn't lingered that long in my draft folder! x