Starting Again?

What is it about the start of something new? A new year, a new journal or notebook, new sheets and bedding, a new bottle of shampoo or milk or foundation. It gets me every time! Is it the chance to start a fresh? To leave behind previous mistakes? To re write your character or in my case write again on a blog that I left for over a year. I like the start of a new year. I don't want to make resolutions or state big lofty things as I know that for me that is just setting myself up to fail. However, I do like to re focus and use this time to reflect and let myself know what I want.

2016. Wow. Such a mixed bag, as I am sure every year is but maybe I just felt it a bit more acutely this year. I left my job that I no longer loved and enrolled at University and completed my first year of my teaching degree. I worked hard and it paid off, in good grades and successful connections with many new people. I made some new friends and I truly can say that I feel that I am doing what I am meant to be doing, after 15 years of floundering in my career choices this one is feeling good.

My study buddy.

I have made new friends, I repeat that because I need to hear it myself.I have also walked away from some friends. I have had some of the most traumatic friendship losses this year and I have let them affect me far more than I ever thought I would. I let their words and ill wishes get me down. I cared that they were talking about me to people and that others (and myself) believed that their version of events and that their descriptions of my character to be the only truth.

Panic, anxiety and depression won over far more that I care to admit and the people closest to me were the ones who suffered. I stopped communicating for a while, with my husband (man he is a saint), my parents, my closest friends, all of whom are so ridiculously supportive and I need them to know that it was nothing they did it was just what I did to get through. It may not have been the best decision but I have to trust that it was the right one at the time. I tried to breathe through panic attack after panic attack, I cried, alone, in bed, on the couch, in my car. I also started to find a bit of strength and slowly I am coming around to the fact that I need to be so much kinder to myself and find a balance. I also need to talk. If I can't physically get the words out face to face (it's taking time for me to be able to speak about some things), then I can write on here or in some form of journal to at least clear my brain.

It wasn't all doom and gloom and I need to remember that. I performed in public three times!! I sang Skyfall at a fundraiser for the School of Music and it gave me the boost I needed to push a bit further and challenge myself to perform more. I love it, I love singing and I just need to push through the nerves and do it. I spent time with some amazing people, taught music to some very cool kids and saw Pentatonix in concert (a huge highlight). I spent time in the sun, cooked, played games, watched lots of theatre and turned 30! I turned 30. It's a number (a big one) and I had a fantastic party surrounded by so many of my amazing family and friends. I still pinch myself that so many wanted to come and celebrate with me and I had the best night.

Husband and Me at my 30th party.

2017. You're new. I feel refreshed, I am hopeful, I will breathe.
My friend Breigh (one of the new ones from 2016 who I am very grateful for) is a yoga teacher. I have avoided yoga for many years for lots of reasons and I will write a bit more about it another time. She turned me onto Yoga with Adriene and one week later I am still enjoying it and finding that taking the time for myself to do one of her videos is helping my head space. She runs a 31 days of yoga challenge that I am on board with so we will see how I go. Getting over the hangups and just doing it.
To help with the writing thing and also to keep myself more organised, I started using a Bullet Journal in December. It can be as simple or as creative as you want. This is great for me, I love lists, I love doodling and drawing, and I need to keep track of more. This allows that all in one notebook. It is satisfying and I love that if some layout or tracker doesn't work I just turn the page and start again.

I am feeling good. I have set up my little corner looking at the sea whilst I work or study or write and it helps me to remember to breathe and to be grateful for all that I am and all that I have.

My view now.

As I write now I am looking at the water and listening to music. Music has been very absent from my life of late. All I have listened to has been to teach a student or a cast, not for pleasure or the love of it. Anyone who knows me well knows that this is a good sign that there is sound and music around me, my mind has the space to enjoy it again.

It is a journey and among the good and the not so good, 2017 I am ready for you.

Michaela x